Let's talk toilets. Porta potties, to be specific.

You read it right. Yes, I am writing about one of the most awkward, uncomfortable and inevitable situation that everyone faces at some point. It wouldn't be the Average Girl Chronicles if I didn't. Either during a road trip, festival, at grungy dive bars that don't have a functioning public restroom, it's unavoidable.  

I doubt anyone has had a glamorous porta potty experience to share because I sure as hell don't. During a recent mini four-hour road trip north to Vermont with Jake, I was— once again—  faced with the difficult decision to use a porta potty. God forbid we make a third stop in search for a public restroom but Jake only has so much patience. It's not my fault that I am particular where I wee. Blame it on past experiences. 

I avoid porta johns like the plague because who doesn't? I have a terrible tolerance for shit smells, especially when it's festering in itself for days, probably weeks on end. I'm sure everyone can agree. Each experience leaves a wound that reopens every time your bladder starts kicking your ass. Each time your bladder wants the nearest solution, your brain is telling you otherwise. 

COME ON, do I have too?!?

Why does my bladder hate me this much?!?

Prime example. Here my Irishman and I are celebrating this year's St. Patty's Day and outside the bar was littered with porta potties that had endless lines of drunken fools (including me). No better time for a photo-op. What a perfect back drop for a couple photo.

My hatred for porta potties stems not only from personal experiences but my older sister's terrible nightmare she faced probably 10 years ago. My sister, Julia's worst dream became a reality. Get this... it's another Baffoni family outing to a feast (aka carnival) and naturally with four kids, the easiest solution for my parents to assist our tiny bladders is a porta john, as I am sure my mom just LOVED that option. 

So, Julia walks into a porta potty area with a few older kids walk in after her, looking to pull a prank on their friend who using one of the five outhouses in the designated area. Shit got real, real quick. 

Next thing I know, Julia is screaming because these kids started violently shaking the porta potty thinking its the same receptacle their friend was in. Big mistake. The look on those shit-stirrers (pun intended) face was priceless once my mom reamed them a new one. To this day, she is scarred from the terror, and I don't blame her. If someone I know isn't on the outside of the hell hole we call a porta potty, I'm not using it.

In fact, my M.O. is also having Jake go in the porta potty first because if it's real bad (i'll spare you the description) I would rather pop-a-squat somewhere. And don't pretend like you ladies haven't popped a squat before.

Here is the Average Girl's Guide to porta potties:

1. If possible, check your options. Sometimes...more like rarely... you can find a not-so-bad one that doesn't have fecal matter floating in the creepy dark blue sludge. 

2. If you only have one option, whatever you do, DON'T. LOOK. DOWN.

3. Get you're boyfriend to go in before you because if he is a gentleman like Jake, he will lay toilet paper over the latest deuce to spare you the visual.

4. Get a travel size hand sanitizer and use it before and after for two reasons: the first can help the horrid smell. Apply to your hands and huff that stuff until your nose hairs singe because that is better than the smell of other people's poop; the second is for after and be sure to lather that shit everywhere. There is no such thing as too much sanitizer after using a public porter potty on the side of an interstate.

5. Leave extra napkins or tissues in your car and/or purse because you will never know if there is toilet paper left. People probably use it all on covering other people's mess. 

6. Speaking of purses, don't bring it in the porter potty unless it is a cross body bag because you don't know what's on that floor...probably what's in the damn toilet. 

7. Be sure to lock the door. I have, believe it or not, walked in on multiple people because they didn't lock the door. Amateurs.

8. If you have to do number two...you're screwed. Good luck on that one. 

9. Make it quick! Do work and get out. 

10. During a road trip, don't break the seal if you can resist because once you do, there is no turning back. Next thing you know, you will be stopping three exits down because you can't hold it anymore.

11. Lastly, but certainly not least, do not make eye contact with who ever is waiting for the porta potty you were in. You will both be just as ashamed as the other so do yourself and them a favor. Keep it moving. 

There are, however, a few glorified porta potties, similar to the one Jake's sister had at her wedding. This was legit, it was spacious, had flowers, towels and actual soap. Maybe there is some hope porta potties will get better.

...probably not.