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Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Average Girl's Guide to Road Rage


We have all been there. Sitting in a car on a 90 degree day with a broken air conditioner and all you are trying to do is get home so you can take a shower to rise off the itchy beach sand and BAM, someone cuts you off in the most dickish way possible just to stop short a milli-second later. What the f#@& is that? Was that really necessary? Road rage is something I am very familiar with and with my sailor mouth and hot temper, it always gets interesting. 

I've been trying this new thing called staying calm...who am I kidding. Me? Calm? However, when it comes to driving I can be a nervous wreck, especially when I'm in the passenger seat. All Baffoni women are terrible backseat drivers and get freaked out when you touch the breaks. I would like to take a moment and apologize to anyone I may be driving with in the future. I'm terrible. I think it is a control thing of which I am a huge freak of.

I am a huge believer in revenge. It is something I live for especially when I am driving because when someone tries to test me and ride my ass on the highway or cut me off, I have the best solution. Instead of getting pissed off, amuse yourself! Making the person driving like an asshole mad makes me laugh. Is that bad? #sorrynotsorry. While I was driving in traffic the other day, I decided I wanted to share how I get through rush hour or any other damn day on the interstate. 

Here is the Average Girl's Guide to Road Rage:

1. Wear your seatbelt. Safety first!
2. Make a playlist or CD of feel-good music because it is a perfect stress reliever
3. If you are going under 80 miles-per-hour, GET OUT OF THE HIGH SPEED LANE. That is how road rage starts
4. Use your horn with caution. The one thing I hate is a person who beeps one second after the light turned red. 
5. Use traffic to your advantage.

For example— you are driving in the high speed lane and a BMW comes out of nowhere at 120 miles per hour (it feels like) and he/she flashes their high-beams, which is another way to say "move out of the way, bitch," and you get ticked off by that. I don't blame you! When they quickly swerve to the right to try and get around you, manage to get your car parallel to the car in the next lane, so the asshole in the BMW can't pass you. This makes me giggle more than Elmo, especially since they start waiving frantically and flick you off. Why do people who drive expensive cars think they are entitled to driving like a douchebag?

Instead of getting mad, I laugh, and when they do manage to pass you, I flick my lights and give them the finger as a send off for their asshole behavior. 

I digress—

6. Learn how to throw shade. By shade I mean stare down. Here is the moment you were waiting for, to see the asshole who has been busting your balls the whole drive home. If you're feeling ballsey, chuck them a hefty finger and continue on with your day.
7. Be courteous. If you know you plan on driving 65 miles per hour, get out of the high speed lane because if the roles were reversed, you'd be pissed
8. Put your pride aside. I know, I know, it may be difficult but you can't take it personal that someone wants to pass you...even though I do. 
9. Don't punch your steering wheel. What did it do to you?
10. If a convertible is tailgating you, clean your windshield because the spray always gets on the car behind you. That's what you get, buddy!
11. Get creative with your vulgarities, especially if your window is down and you want the other driver to hear it
12. Keep a "SORRY" sign in your car because apparently, people usually laugh after your admittedly do something douchey
13. Be alert! God forbid you are paying too much attention to the asshole drivers and you get into an accident...that means they won and that CAN NOT happen
14. Think bigger thoughts. Are you really going to let the Malibu Barbie in the pink Range Rover who cut you off, oblivious to anything but her destination, consume an entire car ride of your life— time you will never get back? It's not worth it
15. When you curse someone out with every profanity known to man, make sure you have a get away route because the last thing you want is someone approach your car after you just defamed their character. Trust me...it's happened to me and I almost shit my pants

On some real talk, road rage can be very dangerous so although you may be furious becuase of someone else's ignorance, don't do anything stupid. And if someone stupid approaches your car (like that chick who punched my window because SHE RAN A STOP SIGN and thought it was somehow my fault) have 911 displayed on your phone because it usually scares them off...usually.

Road rage in inevitiable because with everyone wanting to get home from a long day of work, tempers can get heated and a bitter driving catastrophe can cloud your head resulting in a more aggressive driving version on yourself. Take a less aggressive approach like I am and wish to see him/her on the side of the road because their tire popped in the middle of the snow storm— or better yet pulled over by police. Karma, baby.

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger." - Buddha


I almost forgot....USE YOUR BLINKER dammit. It is there for a reason !

3 comments:

  1. OMG slow drivers in the fast lane ... my number one cause for road rage!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Or my favorite. When people think that they can just drive on the shoulder....UH it's there for EMERGENCIES!

    ReplyDelete

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